The Leadership Dilemma: High Performers Who Can’t Hear It

Let’s talk about high performers—you know, the ones who show up early, stay late, and manage to nail every deadline. The ones who are outperforming the team, doing it with style, and setting an unspoken gold standard for what excellence looks like. We love them, right? We also know that sometimes, the higher the pedestal, the harder the fall.

Here’s the thing about high performers: They’re often deeply identified with their work. The work is their identity, their legacy, and for them, anything less than perfect feels like failure—not just a missed opportunity, but a personal affront. Humanizing that iron clad concept is occasionally the most difficult work.

As a result, feedback—especially tough feedback—can feel like an assault on their very being. And that, my friends, can make coaching them a challenge. We talk, a lot, about coaching the low performer. We don't spend enough time on our high performers.

I’m no stranger to this. Early in my career, I was called “weak”—and not in the “Oh, they’re giving me feedback to help me grow” kind of way. This was the kind of label that sticks, the kind of feedback that leaves you wondering if there’s any possible way to recover without being sent into perpetual self-doubt.

But here’s the kicker: That “weak” label wasn’t meant to help me improve. By any definition, it wasn't feedback. Someone else was left to deliver this steaming pile of non-feedback. It wasn’t constructive. It wasn’t delivered with any intention of making me better. Instead, it was cheap, shallow, and, frankly, mean-spirited misogyny dressed up as feedback. It had no real value for me, other than to remind me that even high performers need to face the uncomfortable truth that we can’t always be perfect.

And that’s exactly the problem. High performers, especially those who have become experts at their craft, can become conditioned to believe that anything less than perfection is unacceptable. They start to build an identity around their output, and the feedback doesn’t hit home—it bounces off, leaving them feeling misunderstood and disconnected.

For the One Receiving Feedback: How to Embrace the Uncomfortable Truth

Now, if you’re the one on the receiving end of this kind of feedback, you may find yourself in a tight spot. When feedback feels like an attack, it’s natural to feel defensive, like you’re being unfairly judged. In my case, hearing that I was “weak” didn’t feel like feedback—it felt like a label that made me question my entire approach.

But here’s the thing: Feedback is an invitation. Not always a kind one, not always a gentle one—but it’s an invitation to reflect, grow, and become better. It’s an opportunity for a shift—one that allows you to reframe how you show up, how you lead, and most importantly, how you’re going to respond to your imperfections.

In my case, I could have sat in that “weak” feedback, pouted about it, and let it define me. But instead, I took a breath, looked in the mirror, and asked myself, What’s the lesson here? What was missing wasn’t just my presentation, but my executive presence—the human element that made me more than just a person with a to-do list.

What I learned from that tough moment wasn’t just about how to speak better or be more dynamic; it was about owning that feedback is uncomfortable and learning to live with discomfort until it moves you forward. I also made a point of working for better humans. Find the Lesson.

For the One Delivering Feedback: Navigating the High-Performing, Perfectionist Human

Okay, now let’s flip this around. You’re in the hot seat as the one delivering feedback. You have this high performer on your team, and you know there’s a blind spot. They’re perfect on paper, but you know that if they don’t course-correct, they’ll hit a ceiling. So you need to have that tough conversation—the one where they’ll likely try to defend their honor, their methods, and their impeccable record of achievement.

Here’s the deal: Don’t water it down. Don’t pander. Don’t sugarcoat. The thing is, they want you to be direct. Sure, they may resist at first, but deep down, they know there’s something more they could achieve if they’re willing to make the change.

1. Start with recognition, not criticism.

   • Acknowledge their track record, their commitment, and their drive. High performers need this. It's not about fluff—it's about showing that you see them and respect them.

   • Example: “I’ve seen the way you’ve pushed this team to meet targets, and your attention to detail is unmatched. That’s why I want to talk about something that’s come up.”

2. Stick to facts, not feelings.

   • High performers who are attached to their work can’t hear vague or generalized feedback. Keep it factual. Focus on observable behaviors and how it’s impacting the team.

   • Example: “In the last meeting, when I asked for input from the team, I noticed that some people hesitated to speak up after you gave your thoughts. That’s something I want us to address, so we can make sure everyone feels heard.”

3. Speak to their growth, not their flaws. Coaching a high performer to growth is different than correcting a low performer to standards. 

   • Make it clear that this conversation is about future success—not about criticizing their past performance.

   • Example: “You’re a key part of this team, and I see you moving into a leadership role. To get there, I think it’s important to focus on creating a space where others feel more comfortable sharing their ideas.”

4. Don’t avoid the discomfort.

   • These conversations will never be easy. Connect with your discomfort and theirs  stay present. Don’t avoid the tough stuff, or you’re doing both of you a disservice.

   • Example: “I know this might feel like a hard conversation, but I’m telling you this because I see your potential to lead at a much higher level. And that’s what I want for you.”

Wrapping It Up: The Power of Feedback for Growth

Whether you’re the one receiving feedback or the one giving it, feedback is a bridge—a bridge from where you are to where you could be. It’s uncomfortable. It’s awkward. But without it, growth stagnates. The best leaders are the ones who seek feedback, who use it to elevate themselves, and who embrace the human discomfort that comes with being vulnerable.

So let’s talk about the real feedback: it’s not about telling someone they’re weak, or putting them on blast for what they’re not doing right. It’s about opening their eyes to a world of possibility, one where they can grow and evolve into the leaders they’re meant to be.

And guess what? That’s the feedback I’d rather get. I’ll take that every day over the cheap shots and labels.

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Want to dive deeper into navigating tough conversations like this? Let’s break it down together. Join our next free webinar or text QUEST to 66866 to get more tools and resources for handling feedback—whether you’re giving it or receiving it.